Upstairs, my little boy is asleep. His busy arms and legs are lying motionless for once. His little voice, usually calling for me to hold or take him here or there, is silent in the bliss of sleep. That momentary silence is refreshing.
Yet, discouragement can so often seep into my soul as I reflect in the silence. How can I pursue the beautiful spiritual disciplines when most of my moments as a toddler mom are anything but silent, calm, or refreshing?
I rest my tired body on the sofa. I’ve been exhausted for 15 months.
Today, I planned to crawl out of bed at the crack of dawn. I would sit downstairs with my little boy, cozied under the weight of a giant crocheted blanket. I would give him a book to read, open my Bible, and let the words of life flow off the page and into my soul. I would read less and meditate more, as Donald Whitney’s book, Spiritual Disciplines for the Christian Life, inspired me to do.
These sacred moments of soaking in Scripture would fuel the other disciplines I long to practice today: prayer while I wash dishes, worship while going on a walk with my baby, a heart of service as I’m on hands and knees scrubbing the floor under my toddler’s high chair, stewardship as I keep working on next year’s budget that we need to submit to our mission organization, and journaling as I close out the day before bed.
And yet, last night, my little boy was up every hour. Sunlight had already beamed through the window when his cries started my morning. I drag my body downstairs. The day has begun.
A Relationship Worth Pursuing
A plan for the spiritual disciplines can sometimes feel pointless. Instead of meditating on Scripture over breakfast, I exhaust my patience as my baby throws food and begs to go outside. Instead of serving my boy like I was serving the Lord, I find myself disappointed with each interruption as my sincere intentions for any growth in spiritual disciplines are quickly dashed away.
And yet, the words of another mother, Paige Pippin, help me keep going. These disciplines are placeholders, she said. “[The spiritual disciplines] protect space to intentionally submit to and worship Christ … keeping our hearts soft before God’s throne.”
Someday, the chaos will fade away, and the sacred moments will feel sacred again, and we will finally see the transformation the Spirit worked in us through those many acts of faithful obedience.
As I keep living out these redundant weeks of messy meals, wet diapers, and pushing my son on his tricycle even while dishes balance precariously high in the sink and a long to-do list drapes my idle computer, it's the placeholders of spiritual disciplines that help me grow in godliness.
I am committed to opening my Bible every day, whether one verse or a slew of chapters. And then, as the clock ticks into the late evening, no matter how tired I feel, I meditate on a Psalm and turn it back in prayer to God.
I will punctuate my days with prayer. Bible time, meal time, bedtime.
I will not neglect to pray with and for my husband and baby.
I will daily ask God to save my child.
I will intentionally commune with God throughout the mundane, whether reveling in baby hugs and kisses, wearily coaxing my lively toddler to nap, or passing the time in the front yard with my toddler, watching trucks drive by.
Regardless of the frustration welling up inside when my baby cries in the church nursery so long that I am obliged to follow him around the foyer the entire service, I will keep going to church. I may not feel worshipful. But the very act of putting my toddler in the car and taking him to church, even if we will just play in the hallways the entire time, centers my heart and focus on God.
I will still join the women’s Bible study even if my toddler refuses to attend childcare. I may not be able to focus much, and I run the risk of those in more comfortable seasons of life disapproving as my toddler’s antics don’t stop because the room is quiet.
But I cannot postpone fellowship and Bible study for a more convenient season. I must, as Whitney advised, “take out a pen and a paper and put in the work.”
This season of my life is intense. Everyday frustrations are real. Spiritual growth feels improbable.
But, I will keep the placeholders there, reserving these moments for God to work in my life, whether in the calm or chaotic. Even when I don’t feel productive, I know my God is very much at work in me.